An Open Letter to the Alien On the Autopsy Table

Dear Reticulan Dude,

Greetings from Planet Earth!

I know it’s no use opening this letter with a greeting since you are dead and Earth may be your least favorite planet right now, but you may want to consider some good things about this wonderful place we call Earth.

First and foremost, we are the only living planet in this solar system. We assume that because we have a very deep and concrete definition of life. For example, to make a living is to go to school, get a job, work, work some more, and work even harder. If you do not “make a living” out of yourself, you are a casualty to the society, an embarrassment to your parents, and a burden to the economy. You may also want to consider that if you are not employed (if you happen to be a gamete from a working class), you will not have enough buying powers to purchase an existence. You need cellphones to communicate, clothes to cover your body with, shoes to keep your feet away from the ground – those kind of things. We humans need them since we are still evolving and, unlike our simian forefathers, we are so highly civilized that we need to live in communities and we can’t live without a government.

Speaking of government, I heard there’s a conspiracy between you and some powerful countries. I’m not sure if they are helping your race in colonizing us or they are planning against it and the only way to save us concerned, albeit clueless citizens, is to keep the information from us. You see, we have schools that teach us the laws of physics specifically the conservation of mass-energy, that is the total energy in a closed or isolated system is constant. In Social Sciences, another subject we pay for in school, I think it’s called the preservation of the status quo.

We do well with preserving too. In fact, our polar icecaps are a lesser threat to the destabilization of our global weather patterns and it definitely won’t flood our coastal cities.

But enough about earth, for sure you’ve done your research before visiting us. If it is true that you built the pyramids of Giza, your kind has been visiting us longer than any living homo sapien.

The truth is, Roswell is not the only place where there have been UFO sightings. All parts of earth are inhabited by it.

And we call you alien and fiction?

Sincerely,

XENU